I’m trans, came out just a couple of months ago. I don’t post about this on Lemmy very often (if at all), but it’s been a struggle. My dysphoria - in a nutshell, the incongruency between what I see in the mirror and what I want to look like as a woman - has had a profound effect on me. I’m pushing fifty, and I can honestly say transitioning is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.
I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day, but on the bad ones I feel as though I look like Quark in the DS9 episode “Profit and Lace.” I’ll tell myself all kinds of awful, self-hating transphobic things like “you’re just a man in a dress” or “ugh what is that thing” or “freak” or “you’ll never be a real woman.” What a repulsive thing to say to yourself, how terribly unkind. I have specific issues with my facial hair, which are being addressed, but things like that take time. It’s like I’m fighting a battle against my own body, something I think most people can’t easily relate to. It’s hard to be patient while living in this (emotionally) painful in-between state, not knowing if I’ll ever be happy with myself. If it weren’t for my incredibly supportive wife, I’m not sure where I’d be right now.
Yeah, today is a good day. For now, at least. I feel safe and comfortable posting this here, you guys have always been a supportive and accepting community and I’d like to say thank you for that. Maybe I should start posting in the blahaj instance rather than bombarding you guys with this. Anyway, I’m gonna sign off for a while, I got my hands full at work today and gotta focus. Thanks for letting me vent.
Congratulations on coming out and in becoming your honest true self for all of us see and appreciate.
I ride a motorcycle and I love being able to be on two wheels, fixing my bike, riding fast and in going out on the road alone for hours. It’s a meditative thing because once your in your helmet out there under the hum of your engine and nothing to distract you, you can forget the world for hours and hours.
Anyway, in all the times I’ve met and talked to many, many motorcycle riders and heard their stories, one of the most inspirational was about Mike Duff … probably one of the greatest motorcycle racers from Canada who dominated the racing scene in the 1960s … he was known as one of the greatest. He was a man’s man … a wife, two kids, a dog, he was an engine mechanic and tuner and he rode a bike like a maniac. He’s in the Canadian Motorsport Hall of Fame as the only Canadian to ever win a World Championship Motorcycle Grand Prix.
But all his life he felt and he always knew that he was someone else.
Very late in life, in 1984 when he was about 45, he came out as trans and went through reassignment surgery and has been known as Michelle Duff since then. I have a few friends who knew her in the 90s and apparently, she never lost her touch for motorcycle racing and even as an older woman, she was still night time racing with younger guys on the highways of Toronto. She’s had her share of troubles but she is happy, strong and free.
One story about her that always struck a cord with me and with every motorcycle rider is that her internal struggles and issues with her identity is what drove her to become that maniacal motorcycle racer when she was younger. She couldn’t make sense of the world so riding a two wheeled machine fast enough was what made the world liveable for her. It amazes me when I think about that every time I ride.
Here she is in one of her last appearances as a motorcycle rider
She is truly an inspiration even for someone like me … I hope her story can help you too.
Wow, I’ve never heard of her before. What a story! Thank you for sharing that, IninewCrow. I’m gonna go look her up.
One story about her that always struck a cord with me and with every motorcycle rider is that her internal struggles and issues with her identity is what drove her to become that maniacal motorcycle racer when she was younger. She couldn’t make sense of the world so riding a two wheeled machine fast enough was what made the world liveable for her. It amazes me when I think about that every time I ride.
That is something that resonates with me, I totally get it. I’m still having some “aha” moments here and there and putting things in my own life into perspective, but yes, I can totally see how her identity issues pushed her to be that legendary maniac rider. Wow, man. Like, it’s different for everybody, but the feeling that something is off usually manifests as an emotion (anger? fear?) and gets channeled somewhere. For Michelle Duff, it was the bike. For me, it’s way too late at night and I’m high and it’s been kind of an emotionally tasking night. Suffice it to say it does help me frame and understand some parts of my crazy youth.
Real talk. Despite how much I love them and honestly wouldn’t change it if I could, I have and still struggle sometimes with feeling like I’m less of a woman for having small breasts.
Other women struggle feeling like they don’t qualify, aren’t good enough, are less than, and whatever for all sorts of reasons! Congratulations OP you are part of our shitty club. Grab a stuffed animal, soft blanket and your favorite snacks. There is a lot to complain about but you have a solidarity you never knew before. If you ever need another girl friend my inbox is open!
And uhhh HELLO you are essentially going through puberty, a major life change, AND doing heavy duty therapy work all at the same time! It is okay to have bad days but even if you can’t be nice to yourself, please try to remind yourself it’s basically teen angst in ways! Even if you’re not on hormones, a lot of the emotions and inner struggles/growth will be similar to puberty.
Ok sorry, I see so many trans women at my job and all I think and feel when I see them is how happy I am that they are finally going to feel at home in their own bodies and living their truth! And I just want to make them feel as supported as possible. I’m not concerned or thinking about if they are passing. Oh but I do so badly want to give them fashion advice sometimes , lucky you got your wife!! Obviously I get carried away with this. Idk fellt cute, might delete later.
And uhhh HELLO you are essentially going through puberty, a major life change, AND doing heavy duty therapy work all at the same time!
Uggh I know, I have to keep reminding myself that there is a lot going on, especially my poor brain’s hormonal struggles. Arrgh this is awful, kinda hilarious, but awful.
Grab a stuffed animal, soft blanket and your favorite snacks.
HAhah wait, side note…I have been getting the munchies lately like never before. Is this a thing?
Ok sorry, I see so many trans women at my job and all I think and feel when I see them is how happy I am that they are finally going to feel at home in their own bodies and living their truth! And I just want to make them feel as supported as possible. I’m not concerned or thinking about if they are passing. Oh but I do so badly want to give them fashion advice sometimes , lucky you got your wife!! Obviously I get carried away with this. Idk fellt cute, might delete later.
Whoops I hit reply by accident a little early. I just wanted to say thank you, I read everything you said and it means so much to me, so thank you, asteriskeverything! hug
omg I’m an emotional mess. And I’m high. It has been a good time reading all these replies, especially yours. I feel so supported. Thank you again ❤️
HAhah wait, side note…I have been getting the munchies lately like never before. Is this a thing?
Maybe?? I never thought about it until now but yeah I guess I’ve only had women in my life talk about how badly they are cravings something!
I’m glad I was able to bring you some comfort! And like I said if you ever wanna talk to someone my inbox is open. (This goes for anyone reading this who needs someone) I’m not a professional but I’m familiar enough with all this stuff and mental health that you won’t have to spend a lot of time answering questions to explaining stuff
I hope you continue to remember you’re supported. And I hope you have more good days than bad. Try to laugh at it on the bad days, if you can. hug ❤
Not trans, but remember shit like this is exaggerated for ‘comedic’ value. Transwomen don’t look like this, uncomfortable and squared out masculinity trying to reinforce the visible qualities of a male gender identity in a panic. They look like women trying new styles out.
For what it’s worth, bear hug over the internet. You know, one of those hugs that is a bit too tight, but somehow that makes it even more comforting.
Also, as someone who isn’t trans, but has faced issues, not been accepted because of who I am, and internalised that hatred, allow me to offer you some Star Trek inspired advice for a rainy day:
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
The thirst for revenge, against enemies figurative (internalised transphobia) and literal (fuck you Gary), can help you through. If you keep fighting, focus on the enemy, you will survive to stand above their grave, hopefully in a stellar dress. Hell, make a list of arseholes. See that one who’s really old? If you outlive him, you will have defeated them in the battle of life, this will also be an excuse to buy yet another stellar dress. Remember you’ve got a backlog of dresses you didn’t buy to work through.
It’s not healthy in the long run, and I’m half joking, but remember that sheer spite can carry you through and you thriving is a fuck you to all those who doubted you and that little voice in your head who says you don’t deserve it. Because you do deserve it. Be as kind to yourself as to those you love.
The best revenge is a life lived well.
Food for thought.
Edit: I get where you’re coming from, buddy, but I’ve had 30 years to simmer on my spite. It may feel good to get back at someone, but it’s never really worth it. 
And, honestly, people will go to their grave with you never having gotten the vengeance you might have wanted. There are definitely people in my life who have deserved some comeuppance for the way they treated me or someone I love, but never got it and died. It’s easier not to hold on to that hate because once they die, there’s going to be no way out of it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those ‘forgive and forget’ types. There are definitely people I do not and will not ever forgive because what they did was far too egregious for me to forgive. But I also try not to dwell on them and move on with my life.
Gurl, post wherever you want. This is Star Trek related in two ways. First, Quark. Second, Trek is all about hope and working for a better future. That means yourself as well as others. The needs of the many might outweigh the needs of the few but that doesn’t mean that the few do not matter.
I say this with every ounce of sincerity that exists within my bones, my friend.
Live long and prosper.
