Title mostly.
I’m doing fine right now, had an argument with my brother but overall I got my path forward ironed out, but I can’t shake the feeling that all of what I do is just some pathological need to stumble forward into what I’m supposed to do but rather than actually being a meaningful calling or direction.
Maybe I’m just depressed.
we fully atomized now son, don’t got no social spaces free of the ever present pressures of modern economic system. can’t even sit down to play a game or read a book without wondering if you’re wasting valuable money-making time.
i have been keenly aware of how passionless and directionless i’ve been since i was a teenager. used to think I was just depressed but it took me a long time to realize the system is letting me down, and i shouldn’t be expected to change my very human wants and needs to conform to the soul crushing market-driven system we’re cursed in
I guess that’s the kicker. My Marxism combined with my evangelical brain worms so that vapid consumption feels empty. Even “non-vapid” consumption with things like traveling or whatever feels empty.
I feel like I’m the protagonist of “The Fever” and all of my existence is dictated by a desire to go do something but ultimately being driven towards doing what is “safe” or “what im supposed to do”. That stress of the contradiction is gnawing at my brain and I don’t know what to do about it.
I think this feeling is shared by 80-90% of people at minimum.
Personally, I’ve never found a way to do something meaningful (like, materially help people) that would also keep me and my disabled family members out of debilitating poverty. So I have no choice but to dedicate my working days to unethical profit-making shit.
Yeah, man. Meaningful callings that also pay your bills are few and far between. It’s capitalism baby best system in da world
I’m on antidepressants!
You’re not alone. We’re told our whole lives that we’re supposed to follow our dreams and contribute to society in some unique way, but the reality is that you are just a proletarian and you will probably just have a shit job, a completely pointless one if you’re lucky, you just end up doing, and you may bounce around a bit before you land in it. A few hundred years ago, you would probably be a serf and you wouldn’t have any weird ideas about contributing to society or your inner motivation to do something, just fucking planting and harvesting all the time. Same thing, a shit job you end up doing. If I have kids, I think I will probably not tell them any bullshit about having a “dream” because I doubt it will be possible to reconcile it with the world in any way. Finding creative hobbies and fun, pride in doing a good job and helping people, maybe duty and financial skills.
I honestly don’t have any direction in life. Many people I know my age have high level positions or expertise and multi year outlook and plans, and we’ve barely hit 20 a few years ago. The only thing I think about in advanced is whether I’m going to sleep early or late.
If I did what was expected of me, I would be married with a family by now. Instead I’m materially okay and likely will be in the future, but I am just extremely lonely and have no desirable qualities outside of keeping a job.
People say that you should live for yourself and be happy with yourself first and everything else falls into place. All sound advice. But my desire is to be desired by others, and I don’t think any amount of hobbies or muscles or money will ever fill that hole. Everything else is meaningless to me; job, passion, wealth, politics, life itself.
“Comparison is the killer of joy” - sure, but when I have 0 comparable milestones to my peers, i don’t even know why I bother finding direction.
Right? Like realistically I’m doing fine and I think my personality is fine and I think I could find a life partner. I think I could find hobbies I like and develop them, but goddamn looking at it from where I am just feels vapid and denying the real situation of the world.
I need a revolution to go die in but also I’m a coward
It’s good you’re still thinking about the world. It has sucked all joy and optimism from me. At this point I’m not even thinking about the injustices and inequality of the world. I’m just thinking about myself, and I can’t imagine the situation changing regardless of who’s in charge.
I’ve thought about joining the military back in high school for a sense of belonging and relationships. Then I quickly realized how shitty these people are. Anyway, I don’t deserve a heroic death
Right? Like realistically I’m doing fine and I think my personality is fine
It’s funny, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my general social skills. People are comfortable around me in about every situation, they compliment me, find me funny, seek my advice and musings. But it’s when I try to elevate it to an actual, meaningful relationship that I lose all my senses. All of a sudden I don’t know what to say, and because of that I lose my desire to be around them.
Bro are you me? Haha that part at the end is so relatable. Thanks for sharing that. Misery loves company as the saying goes
