Amazing. Especially the social part. Like, I finally just get it and how I feel like I want to communicate just fits right in. With guys it just felt kind of stunted somehow and I could never live up to their social expectations.

For example as kids the guys would ask me what football team I was for. Ajax, pvc or feijnoord (I am sure I have the spelling wrong). Well, I didn’t care, but I showed some interest. I remember seeing the logos and just thinking about their visual style, color combinations and so on. But they were all so pretty in their own right, so I couldn’t choose in the end because they were all pretty.

It’s like trying to connect two cogwheels but they just don’t line up right.

And as an adult this created so many issues. I absolutely adore going to the market and striking up conversations. Of course guys do that too, but somehow it just didn’t work? Like I don’t know, it was as if they felt I wanted something from them and they were confused. So I couldn’t really explore it, even though I knew it made me happy.

And now it’s so simple. I’m constantly making good contacts, especially with women. And the connection with kids is off the charts and finally it’s just simple and straightforward.

Like it was as if before I had to hold back all the time. It felt terrible.

Now the long journey of detangling and unknotting my emotions starts. It’s causing me to dissociate and go numb, and it’s hard to focus on them with all the stress in my life.