The good; I’m genuinely helpful and devoted to anything I choose to do, and I’m exceedingly polite and welcoming and easy to talk to and will give everyone really useful and thoughtful advice.
The bad: my memory problems due to medication make me do exceptionally boneheaded things sometimes and it often ends up a problem. I’m also sometimes undisciplined and slack off. Is that entirely bad, I’m not sure it always is, but sometimes it is.
The ugly: my mood disorder can make me very dysfunctional and lash out when I get depressed, and I’ve hurt people. I probably also am addicted to Ambien which I’ve never admitted (I don’t abuse it, but I am prescribed it for sleep and am pretty sure I’d never sleep again without it), but I am taking it for legitimate prescribed reasons and if I don’t sleep I can’t work.
The good: I have an inhuman appetite for math and I’m extremely good at learning new things in seemingly unrelated disciplines like music and politics. I would like to think I am unflinching in my commitment to freedom and equality for all people. I am always looking for detailed answers to questions, which leads to read a lot of textbooks and research papers, usually instead of taking the word of authority figures who claim to be experts. I have a “good ear” for music and non-musical audio applications. I’m good with computers, both hardware and software.
The bad: I’m not good at people. I need to be behind a screen to really flourish. I have to really “get into the minds” of other people because what I would want “in their shoes” is so foreign to the average person. I am always looking for detailed answers to questions, which leads to read a lot of textbooks and research papers, usually instead of taking the word of authority figures who claim to be experts. Practically, this means that I’ve “wasted” a ton of time proving theoretical results to myself that an ordinary student would just trust is correct and move onto topics that actually make them better at their jobs/hobbies. This isn’t a good trait for an engineer. I am unintentionally condescending and cold. I’m a really boring person to be around. Even when I’m talking about death metal or radical politics, I have a particularly robotic way of doing it. I’m never ever satisfied. I don’t like being around people. It is normal for me to see my few friends only once or twice a year, and I wouldn’t want more than that.
The ugly: I am severely depressed, anxious, and poorly adjusted to life in a physical universe. I don’t trust people who are close to me. While I don’t give out my trust willy-nilly to randos, I typically become less trusting as people become closer to me because they’re closer to having seen the real me. I have terrible impulse control when it comes to spending my money, particularly on food. I basically can’t manage my time; I have my phone do it for me. My brain is fucking mush compared to a few years ago; I used to be okay. Although I wrote all three sections to be about the same length, I could write a hundred pages on the bad and the ugly. Yet, I basically exhausted what I could think of with my good traits.
Summary: I’m shit at almost everything except for a few very specific tasks that aren’t really enough to make up for my deficiencies.
No I’ll be honest I think SSRIs suck. But I wonder if a mood stabilizer might help you.
The good: I like helping without expecting anything in return. If someone I care about is happy, I will be happy.
The bad: A white lie, even if it was told to don’t hurt my feelings, I will label it as a lie and I will lose all trust in you.
The ugly: If you do or say something that reminds me of my best friend (who committed suicide 25 years ago), without providing any explanation, I will be in a quite angry mode towards anyone until I have been able to sort out my thoughts, and that could last for weeks.
I dunno if the bad is all bad. As long as you communicate you can’t trust people who lie casually about little things, and are a relentlessly honest yourself- it’s all fair game
The ugly: same thing happens when people take my family’s substance abuse history lightly. Some things will always be delicate and will always require professional help.
The good: I’m a very curious person and will always look up answers to virtually any question I have. I’m excited to learn new things, I’m an excellent problem-solver, and I’ll share what I can with anyone who asks, particularly at work.
The bad: I’m content with being alone most of the time. People love being around me and having me company, but I don’t make an effort to maintain friendships and the relationships I do have feel like such a struggle to keep up with.
The ugly: I’m severely unmotivated. I’ll do what I need to keep my job and survive, but I don’t have the drive to want to be super successful. I love starting new hobbies but I’ll become hyper-obsessed and suck literally all the joy out of them until I’m no longer interested.
The good: you can rely on me. If I say I’m going to do something or be somewhere, I always see it through.
The bad: I don’t sleep. Not healthy and bad for your brain.
The ugly: the amount of beer I go through in a week has increased exponentially since 2020 and I kinda don’t want to lower it back down.
Before the pandemic and everything I was a social drinker, would go to a bar once a week, hang out with pals and have a few, Uber home and all good. Once I lost being able to go out I lost most of my buddies too. I still have my friends, the close ones, and we all relied on each other to make it through the isolation but none of them live here any longer so being social and going out isn’t something I get to do anymore sadly. That and the crushing knowledge of all the people who died kinda has me not making great choices.
Sorry probably over shared there at the end.
I drank something like an average of over 2 bottles of bourbon a week for the majority of the covid lockdown which I did longer than most. I think a lot of people fell into depression and drank heavily… I always had a bit of a problem with substance abuse. Find that it’s much easier to stay in a better place mentally if I keep a regular schedule, and exercise, and don’t drink at all. Easier said than done, and everyone’s different. Best of luck.
Thanks mate. I’m working on it and the first step is realizing you have a problem so I’ve got that behind me.
Another note - how long was your lockdown? I think I finally went back to “normal” the middle of 2022 but I stopped going everywhere in a mask (unless I have a cough or sneeze or something) the start of this year.
I think you need to talk to a professional about the alcohol part. No shade, it’s just booze gets the better of you quickly and it would be easier to address now than when you’re 50 and need a liver transplant. I honestly suggest talking to your doctor about an antabuse medication, I take naltrexone for another reason and it does wonders for mood and anxiety.
I have and am. Right now it’s not terrible. At peak I was averaging a 750 ml bottle of vodka every four days. I think my cap with beer right now is like 5 a night. A hand over fist improvement.
I’ve tried a lot of different drugs for different things - anxiety, depression, etc and I’ve found I’m much happier when I just work hard. I’ve taken to exercising regularly and having a physical project twice a week and it takes my mind off it, makes me tired, and I look forward to going to bed.
Obviously we are all massively different as people and we all deal with all our own things but I am taking steps to rein it in. I just still drink more than I want to is all. More a complaint than anything terribly scary.
Thanks for your advice! Keep being kind. We need more kind people.
Being reliable is an asset I always look for in friends. I hate when people flake…
Did you sleep better before your issues with alcohol? I worked in a rehab, so I’m a little familiar with disordered drinking. Do you think it’s a physical addiction or a tool for coping with the loss you have had to deal with over the past 3 years?
I wish you grace during your hard times friend. It can get better.
Nah the not sleeping thing is just a norm for me. Always has been since I was a kid.
I don’t think either. I enjoy doing it and it doesn’t cause anything negative in my life (currently), although I know the potential later down the road to my health.
Thanks for your kindness - we need more in the world.
