So I met this girl by chance and we really hit it off, once I learned of her age I decided to just be friends as I think that 19 to 25 is an age were we mature a lot and I remember myself as a 19yo and I was not mature enough to be a good partner and to be good to myself.
I talked to a female friend of mine and she said that I’m over thinking it and that I should ask her out and be open minded, and so I did and we are going on a date soon.
The thing is, she seems really mature but I can’t put aside the age gap.
Am I over thinking it? Should I really just take it slow and just be vigilant about the situation and notice if this isn’t healthy for me or her?
Or should I let her down easy and continue as friends?
Update: We went on a date and it was great, I read all of the comments and there were some really good advices that I took to heart. I will take things slow and try to be as aware of the situation as possible. I hope it will go well :)
Thank you everyone!
The age gap might make a relationship difficult, but it’s not wrong. Just make sure you have clear open communication and understand each other’s expectations. You’re both adults.
As for what other people may think, the “half your age + 7” rule is pretty consistent
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Half-age-plus-seven-relationship-rule.svg
But yea you guys will know the situation best. Communicate well :)
The only problem with the chart is that it doesn’t account for stuff like independence. If a 19 year old has a stable job and is living on their own I would be a lot more forgiving than if the 19 year old was still in college and living with their parent.
I am in no position to argue as I never was enganged in a relationship as a 24 y/o but I’d say if both consent to it and both communicate their issues there is nothing wrong with it. Both parties are now considered adults.
Communication is key. Communicate your worries and see how she react.
A good rule of thumb is half your age plus 7.
Indeed. I remember when that was the basic rule.
Also, women mature earlier than men, so at equal maturity it’s quite typical for a woman to be 2 years younger than the man. At marriage in the USA, two years is actually the average age gap:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_age_at_first_marriage
Also, you might initially meet at 19/25. Next year you will be 20/26, then 21/28, etc. The age gap will become relatively smaller over time.
This is a stupid rule.
The good rule is to judge people as individuals and respect their autonomy.
I’m talking about general perception. Respecting people as individuals doesn’t protect you from being seen as a creep, plus you’re arguing for looser restrictions. I encourage you to try the math on that.
I’m perfectly happy with our societies coming to consensus on a general age where one is considered capable of making their own decisions, in this scenario particularly sexually and romantically. I think the age range between 16 and 18 that we have decided on in various western societies sounds reasonable. Our laws respect our autonomy from that point on, yet somehow society is starting to not do that and I don’t think that’s a good thing, or really very genuine either.
As far as perception, I have a philosophy of not giving a single fuck about perception. People that judge me aren’t going to live my life for me, they’re not going to come into my life and make me happy, so fuck their opinions. If I’m 40 and find love and happiness with an 18 year old and they don’t like it they can kiss my ass.
It’s a rule of thumb, not a rule of law. It’s generally accurate in broad strokes, but not guaranteed at a fine level. Generally, it leads to an imbalance of experiences, but some people have more experiences than their age would suggest or are just fine being seen as a trophy spouse, or any number of reasons it doesn’t fit.
Why do people consider bigger age gaps a problem? Because there’s often a difference in maturity and experience that makes it harder to communicate, have the same goals and often puts the younger party at risk of being taken advantage of.
So if you think that the thing the age gap is a stand in for, a gap in maturity, doesn’t apply, there’s also no reason to get hung up on the number and mistake the map for the territory.
I think it’s good that you’re questioning yourself though and you should probably keep being a bit cautious about the situation and reevaluating yourself until you can be certain you two are on the same level.
There can be a power imbalance due to the younger one being less experienced and often having access to less resources.
You learn a lot dating in your late teens / 20 that allows you to avoid bad situations later in life.
But you can’t say it’s wrong with X years gap. Just that the potential for abuse is greater.
The experience gap at the low end is the big reason all this age stuff exists, no one really cares as much when you’re 30 and dating someone over 40. The 18-22 range has huge experience gaps, most have never been independent before 18, many aren’t truly independent until 22-24 due to college.
The exposure to different points of view and lifestyles that happens for most at this age is significant and it can cause real problems in a relationship. If one person has already done that journey of self discovery and settled into a career, and the other hasn’t even started. That can lead to long term resentment or drifting apart as that discovery happens.
I agree with your friend, I think that you’re overthinking. As long as both are adults and willing, I don’t see anything wrong.
Lack of maturity can be a problem in the long run but it’s a problem that goes away over time, plus it is not some unsurmountable barrier.
