I’ve been on a slow but steady decline for the past several years. I don’t move at all, barely leaving my room let alone the house; I’ve taken to eating shit I order out instead of cooking meals myself; I don’t get involved with any local orgs besides sending dues every month; I haven’t read a book in months; I regularly fail to perform bare minimum hygiene. The only reason I’m able to keep alive at all is because I haven’t moved out of my parents’ house, burdening them with helping me. It would be understandable if I was living hand to mouth and had barely any free time, but I am one of the small percent of burgers who isn’t a month away from destitution and I have more than enough free time. Not to mention I receive no shortage of help.
Since I can’t blame my material circumstances, I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility. I know that changing myself so that I can be, at bare minimum, not a drain on society is going to take a lot of work, work that I always put off due to cowardice. Idealist as it is, I feel like I have some innate metaphysical trait that makes me this way, and the entirety of my failure to pick myself up is due to a moral failing on my part and nothing more.
How do I force myself to unfuck myself so that I can actually be useful for revolution instead of yet another useless first world lotus eater?
For me, when I start working out, it improves me and my live in multiple ways. Apart from the obvious health benefits:
- it makes me want to eat well
- it forces me to take hygiene seriously, because you don’t wanna be unwashed after having worked out
- it encourages me to have a good routine because I work out early in the morning
- it helps me quit smoking and drinking because it gets in the way of gaining muscle
- working out helps improve mental health because of some neurotransmitter/hormone/science bullshit
If you are in a rut you should think about getting into some kind of exercise routine. Simplest one is joining a gym and maybe getting a personal trainer if you can afford one. You can do other things too, like cycling or rock climbing so feel free to explore other options.
You will be useful to the revolution if you don’t feel like shit. Your parents will also appreciate you looking after yourself. So I highly recommend it.
For the past two years I barely worked out because of a back injury. Now I have almost completed the rehab and worked out for four days straight and feeling really well. My body is sore from neck down (except the core). It feels great. I am not an expert. The weights I lift are very modest and I also work out alone (the exercising itself and deciding the workout plan) by myself. But if you are hesitant feel free to shoot questions my way. I will try my best to help.
Let me agree.
When things feel out of control, focus on small things you can control: sleep at the time you decide to, exercise the time you decide to, meditate the time you decide to, get pen and paper, write down everything that comes to your mind, be aware of when your mind go to places you don’t want it to, volunteer and support those that are close to you selflessly. And then maybe you get closer to finding yourself.
But if you have the means, professional therapy, for sure!
Part of the issue is getting myself to actually exercise, along with any other form of self care. It’s like something in the back of my mind paralyzes me whenever I consider doing something I know will make me feel better.
Interestingly enough, several years ago, when my self loathing was even stronger than it is now to the point I would basically be shouting at myself in my head most of the time, I managed to exercise pretty regularly.
Start extremely small. And I mean extremely. You can find motivation to do five push ups today, 100%. It might suck, but you can do it.
After you’ve accomplished those you’re not allowed to feel like “I could’ve done more, that was nothing”. You’re the fucking hero of today. What an accomplishment.
Tomorrow you do another five, repeat that for a week if you can, perhaps even a month. Some day you might feel like “eh, I can do 10 today”. Then you do that. If not, you don’t.
After a while you might feel like “Maybe I can do a very short slow walk today”. Then you do that. And if that never happens, you don’t. But perhaps instead you feel like “damn, I’m a person who have done push ups every day for 10 days. That person can akso brush his/her teeth every night”. Then you do that.
Perhaps you feel like that person can have a genuine conversation with their parents for five minutes listening to their day. Now you’re suddenly that person as well. You know what more that person does? Helps out with cooking once a week.
Small good habits, that you credit yourself for, can help build other great habits. And even if they don’t, and you just manage to do those 5 push ups a day. Well, that person beats one who doesn’t!
Edit: Push ups can be substituted for basically anything. Sit ups, burpees, talking a short walk inside your room, meditating, you name it. Anything that’s quick, and “good” for you. That you need to push yourself to do.
One thing I’ve found that’s helped me work out more regularly is picking up a sport or activity you actually like on its own merits. Rock climbing, basketball, soccer, etc. Find a place to do that, then it itself is exercise, and you’ll find it easier to just go for a run or lift weights because you tell yourself it’s to get better at the thing you like.
Are you much of a gamer? Because playing Ring Fit Adventure is the only exercise I do most days. I absolutely don’t have the willpower or know-how to invent an exercise routine and stick to it so gamifying fitness helps me stay active. The completionist drive in me is stronger than all my other impulses I think. Plus, being able to work out alone in the basement at 3am is convenient. The Wii Fit games are good too and I believe cheaper.
You’re being extremely hard on yourself here; I say so because I struggle with the same thoughts and the same issues. Have you considered that you might have some mental health issues going on that could use therapy or treatment? Or that you might be neurodivergent? I’m autistic with bipolar disorder, and perhaps adhd. I believe that if it was a moral failing on your part. You wouldn’t actually be so disturbed by the difficulty you have in applying yourself. People who don’t care, just don’t care imo.
I have an extremely hard time due to these things. My executive functioning is pretty fucked. Motivation is something I just don’t possess, to the point of not even being able to leave the house even if it’s to do things I normally like to do. I’ll stand up to get ready to do it, and sit right back down, it’s a constant fight. It’s also extremely hard to keep routines, and some regular hygiene stuff has become extremely taxing or hard to remember. Doesn’t help that we are living in a hellscape, that just exacerbates things.
I’m in a period of pretty severe burnout, and it fucking sucks. But I think since I recognized that I do suffer from cognitive difficulties that other people don’t, it’s helped me to be a little bit kinder to myself. When I’m kinder to myself, I beat myself up less and I think that helps me to do more than I would otherwise.
Regarding neurodivergence, I am suspecting more and more that I am autistic. I talked to my mother about my early childhood and I had a lot of sensory issues and coordination issues that took a lot of extra care and occupational therapy to get to a point I could function somewhat normally.
It’s definitely worth looking into. I never in a million years would’ve thought I was autistic until my psychologist put it on the table. Then I started looking into it and it really resonated a lot.
If you’d like to chat a little bit about it I’m really happy to share my experience and some resources, either here or through dm or whatever. It really could help reframe things for you, and maybe help to figure out workarounds and strategies to be able to function a but better than constantly trying to fight against it
The feelings you described are pretty much a textbook definition of depression. I would strongly suggest seeing a psychiatrist and basically showing them this post. Not only because there are many options of effective medication that exist today, but also because depression is often comorbid with other mental conditions.
The longer you exist in this state, the harder it becomes to come out of it on your own. Mental health professionals exist specifically to help and guide you through it.
Part of what makes this difficult is that I’ve been going to therapy, seeing a shrink, and trying various different prescriptions for years now. It’s at a point where I don’t know what else to do about it.
That really sucks then, I’m sorry to hear it. Since you’ve already tried (and should keep trying) different traditional methods, have you looked into psychedelics? I personally have had good lasting results with psylocibin, and there are now avenues for MDMA and ketamine therapy for depression.
MDMA is my music festival or good time go to, just remember the 3 month rule (don’t use regularly only once every 3 months) and never go past taking a “point” if it’s pressed pill make sure you take half (I’ve done a quarter too some Euros could be very powerful but I’ve had people tell me not to do that).
I am psychonaut on psychedelics. I can highly recommend and advise anyone through trips with LSD or Shrooms. Psilocybin changed my life got me off a cocaine addiction.
DMT helped me a lot… It got me out of a state that OP is in, and I went back to community college to study my true passion, music. DMT is… It’s an experience.
I am here if anyone would like advice on anything in the psychedelics dept.
Of course to each their own that is my experience with these substances, I am not trying to shove this down anyone’s throat but if they would like my experience I would be glad to share it.
same. weed makes me not feel like shit for a while but i can’t do complex cognitive tasks while i’m high so it’s not a viable long-term solution.
they really don’t have any second-order treatments for us, do they
If you live in a legalized place - see if you can get CBG stuff. There are some concentrates and edibles, as well as more CBG-heavy strains. There’s research that shows promise with ADHD symptoms, and anecdotally it has a mood uplifting effect without fucking you up.
You might want to chat with a licensed therapist, if you have the option. If you’re having difficulty with motivation and things don’t make you happy like you feel they used to (plus the other things you said), you might have depression.
If so, things like exercise and diet can help a lot. But they may not always and talking to a pro can really help.
If so, things like exercise and diet can help a lot.
fuck yeah people having motivation problems should just do these two difficult high-motivation tasks!
i did not expect to see this fucking much “your bootstraps” bullshit on goddamn hexbear
Depression runs a wide range of severities, OP was asking for advice, and I also recommended therapy because OP didn’t mention they had gone to it nor did they directly refer to thinking of this as mental health at all. Instead, they were directing negativity at themselves.
Please remember that there are no one-size-fits-all approaches.
I can very much relate. It was like this constant depression that felt endless even though there were short breaks of feeling okay. I felt alien and very different to “normal” functioning people and basically lived exactly how you described.
Eventually I stumbled upon someone talking about CPTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder, it’s basically like ptsd but caused by chronic repeated traumatic events. A lightbulb went off as I learned more about it and I realized that I was in deep denial about being abused and neglected as a kid. I basically internalized what I was told growing up about being lazy, ungrateful, ect. There was also a lot of physical abuse for disappointing my parents so I became obsessed with all the ways I wasn’t good enough. In a fucked up way it kept me safe as a powerless kid. Criticizing myself viscously allowed me to get ahead of what my dangerous parents wanted and put energy into heading it off before things blew up. It was a survival mechanism that was killing me in adulthood.
Obviously I don’t know if you have similar experiences but the way you talk about yourself rings a bell for me, and as lame as it sounds learning to care about and love myself somewhat has been the only way I’ve made any progress towards being happier. When you start to have empathy for yourself you start to want to do all those things to take care of yourself.
All that being said even if you don’t relate to this at all therapy or some kind of mental health assistance is probably the way. Also sorry if this makes you uncomfortable or comes off as armchair diagnosis but I’m passionate about it because I wish the info was available to me before I spent my twenties in self hatred. As it turns out most people are not this hard on themselves and I had no clue. Wishing you well ❤️
While I wasn’t neglected or abused per se, I did grow up in an environment with unusual stressors. I’ll look into CPTSD.
